To slip into the darkness of soul where you want to take your own life is a place no one wants to go, something no one wants to talk about. The celebration of life, the love of the Green Mountains and the affection of family are topics I usually choose to share in conversation. But the underside of the tapestry of my life is often marred by knots of despair, the black threads of depression.
I suffer depression; I have mental illness. That’s part of who I am. I am someone who hurts deeply much of the time, who battles demons not of my own making. I am someone who has fought her whole life to make sense of what makes no sense, battled the black knights of despair, and too often slipped into an abyss, into a black hole within that threatens to tear me from those I love, from those who love me.
Living with depression is about trying to find meaning when there seems to be none. It’s about struggling with the shame, the stigma and low self esteem. It’s about feeling cut off from the world around you, from other people, from yourself. What it is not about is weakness. It's about pushing yourself to get out of bed each day, to make the herculean effort of putting one foot in front of another, just trying to get dressed and make it through another day.
Most of all, it’s about the chronic pain, the anguish inside that drains your strength, that tears you away from what's happening in the world around you, thrusting you instead into the chaos and despair of your inner world. It’s about living in a dark, starless night. It's about alone-ness, about trying so hard to find a reason to go on living, a way to survive the pain...
My hope in acknowledging these things is to give this disease called depression, a human face, to speak of the struggle - the secret - with a familiar voice. I am among the fortunate. I survived my suicide attempt... but the struggle is ongoing; the pain often debilitating. So I appreciate even more, I celebrate, each morning that I awaken to sunrise and the love of my family and friends.
Ultimately, making it through is about reaching out when you think you can't. It's about seeking help and knowing that the night will end and the day come again. It is, as William Faulkner said, not just about surviving, but about finding a way to endure, the strength to prevail. I hope for every fellow sufferer, a way to find hope, to seek and find help and healing – a way to make it through the night and awaken to tomorrow's possibilities.
