Sandwich Monday: The Waffle Taco From Taco Bell

By Ian Chillag

Published March 31, 2014 at 2:49 PM EDT

Nine out of 10 customers prefer the Waffle Taco to the Offal Taco.

For most people, the morning goes like this: Wake up, take a shower and wait six hours in painful agony until it's an appropriate time to eat Taco Bell.

But, finally, times have changed: Taco Bell has introduced a breakfast menu. The centerpiece is unquestionably The Waffle Taco.

Peter: I was driving in after picking them up, and I was terrified of getting in a fatal car crash. "Local radio host found dead next to bag of four Taco Bell Waffle Tacos."

Ian: If that had happened, I would have thought fondly of you as I ate the extra waffle taco you were sadly too dead to eat.

Ian: A lot of people don't realize this, but the waffle taco actually started years ago at that other chain Taco Belgium.

Robert: I just want to know how they bent a waffle iron into that shape.

In case it's not clear, that waffle taco is going <em>in</em>. — In case it's not clear, that waffle taco is going in.

Peter: If Mexicans are horrified by Taco Bell's appropriation of their cuisine, there are going to be a lot of pissed off Belgians now.

Robert: Do you think Taco Bell is honoring Belgian cuisine because they speak Phlegmish?

Ian: The cuisines of these two countries go together so perfectly. I want there to be a country called Belgexico and I want to move there.

Peter realizes he's found a favorite food and a best friend all in one.

Robert: I'm glad they wrapped this in a waffle. Anything with a smoother texture would slide right out of my fingers.

Ian: Seriously. It's so gryeasjhy, my finghskjers are slipsoiing arnound my keybloard.

The non-bemeated space at either end of the taco is an inexcusable oversight.

Ian: I love this. It's like a little meat canoe!

Peter: It is tasty. I'm going to wrap a waffle around everything now. I'm going to make a big one and use it as a sleeping bag.

Robert: OK, OK. But taste aside, it looks like I used a waffle to pick up something my dog left behind.

[The verdict: pretty tasty, and we definitely prefer the bacon variety to the sausage. There are the structural issues — the stickiness of the waffle does necessitate post-taco hand-washing — but all in all, it's a welcome addition to the fast-food breakfast landscape.]

Sandwich Monday is a satirical feature from the humorists at Wait, Wait ... Don't Tell Me!