Grief is a difficult emotion for any of us to deal with at any age. But it can be especially troublesome for children who may be encountering the feeling for the first time due to the loss of a loved one. If it was easy for adults to explain, we wouldn't need children's books like Grief Is An Elephant, published in the fall by Richmond author Tamara Ellis Smith.
In this book, Smith depicts grief arriving first as the large animal of the title, but morphing over time into other smaller, familiar creatures, like a mouse. Tamara Ellis Smith joined Mitch Wertlieb to talk more about the book.
This interview was produced for the ear. We highly recommend listening to the audio. We’ve also provided a transcript, which has been edited for length and clarity.
Mitch Wertlieb: What prompted you to write a children's book about such a difficult topic and emotion as grief?
Tamara Ellis Smith: Actually, the first version of this book was not about grief at all. It was an idea that I was working on called Waiting Is An Elephant. And I was exploring the different ways that we wait. So for instance, the difference between waiting in your bed the night before your birthday, and waiting in the, you know, reception area of the dentist before you get a cavity filled.
Mitch Wertlieb: Some very different feelings going on there, yes.
Tamara Ellis Smith: Yeah. And I thought, OK, there's something here I can play with. And I played with it for a very long time, and it just wasn't coming together. And then a friend of mine died. And then shortly after that, a friend of my son’s died. And instantly, Grief Is An Elephant came out of me into this new and right version.
Mitch Wertlieb: Why did you choose to pick grief, especially as it first appears, perhaps to a child, as being like an elephant?
Tamara Ellis Smith: That initial feeling is heavy. It's like, you know, a place on your chest that's being pressed in and you can't breathe very well. And so that just felt like the appropriate animal.
Mitch Wertlieb: And you have to be careful with this, I imagine. You're writing a children's book. So you know, kids are going to be reading this. You don't want the elephant as depicted in the book to be scary, and it's not, right?
Tamara Ellis Smith: No, it's not. And this is where my illustrator, Nancy Whitesides, comes in. She's an animal activist, animal fanatic, an animal lover, and she especially loves elephants. And so she tried to depict this elephant with love as well as sadness. Love is the reason we feel grief. And so Nancy wanted to make sure that that was apparent. Nancy has the elephant tucking her trunk under her own ear. This is what elephants do when they're sad. She wanted to bring those layers and those truths into the story.
"This little girl is finally turning toward grief and approaching her with some curiosity. 'I keep seeing you. I can't get away from you. I think I have, but then you show up again. I think I'm understanding now that I'm going to have to make friends with you.'"Tamara Ellis Smith, author of "Grief Is An Elephant"
Mitch Wertlieb: The pictures are soft toned. They're friendly, as are all the animal depictions throughout the book, not just the elephant. Really, really quite lovely. I think that your writing style matches her illustrated style. There's a wonderful, complimentary blend there. You write, “Sometimes grief is an elephant. You might hear her heavy pancake circle feet, or she might take you by surprise.” I love that expression, her heavy pancake circle feet. It's so poetic.
Tamara Ellis Smith: Thank you.
Mitch Wertlieb: And you know, you continue the animal metaphor throughout the book. What happens after grief first appears as an elephant. What's the next progression?
Tamara Ellis Smith: The grief moves from an elephant to a mule deer to a fennec fox, and then a mouse. A big-eared mouse is the technical name of that mouse. And the throughline are those ears. All of these animals, even though they become smaller and smaller and smaller, they all have their ears ready to listen, when this little girl is ready to speak.
Mitch Wertlieb: It's important to note too, that there is not a simple linear kind of resolution to grief. There's a passage where you allow for the fact that grief may wane over time, but it can also return at perhaps unexpected moments, and there's a passage where you write, “When grief comes back, she's a fox. Maybe offer her your hand, then touch the tip of her nose, touch her small feet. They've traveled so many miles but they still feel soft, like corduroy.” What were you trying to get across with that particular section? That phrase there?
Tamara Ellis Smith: This little girl is finally turning toward grief and approaching her with some curiosity. "I keep seeing you. I can't get away from you. I think I have, but then you show up again. I think I'm understanding now that I'm going to have to make friends with you."
Mitch Wertlieb: Engage with you in some way.
Tamara Ellis Smith: Yeah. And so that's what I'm trying to show, you know. Whereas at the very beginning, it's viscerally, so scary, and heavy. And then yes, you want to run as far away as you can from it, and you might think you can. But in this moment, you know, you finally come in the process to this, maybe acceptance. I think curiosity is really the best way to describe it.
Mitch Wertlieb: You know, I want to mention too, for parents who may be thinking about this book, and, you know, maybe a little put off by the subject matter, you don't mention death in this book. That word does not show up. It does not appear. It's implied, but it's not finding its way into the narrative in those starker terms. How were you able to do that? Was that tricky?
Tamara Ellis Smith: I felt like grief casts its shadow over more things, you know, you can grieve a house that you move away from, a neighborhood that you move away from.
Mitch Wertlieb: Even a friendship that ended, you know, a bad breakup, anything like that.
Tamara Ellis Smith: Absolutely, absolutely.
Mitch Wertlieb: There’s different levels and degrees of grief.
Tamara Ellis Smith: Yeah. And so I felt like I didn't have to specify, you know, that that could be a choice for the reader or the child listener.
Mitch Wertlieb: I mentioned in the lede that grief dwindles down to the size of a mouse, but I forgot about the fireflies.
Tamara Ellis Smith: Yes.
Mitch Wertlieb: It's so small, but the glow is still there.
Tamara Ellis Smith: And also, you know, they come and go, right? From night to day, but even in the moment you're looking at them, you see them, you don't see them, you see them, you don't see them. And I felt like that was an apt visual. My father died as I was editing this book. And the book became a way for me to process or even start to process the grief that I felt about losing him. That firefly helps me and I hope that that firefly helps everyone else who reads the story.
Mitch Wertlieb: Tamara Ellis Smith is the author of the children's book Grief Is An Elephant. She lives in Richmond, Vermont.
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